With spring training coming to a close in the Major League Baseball world, I thought it might be interesting to pick a beer for each team. Stretching from the Pirates to the Yankees, each team has a specific flavor; each team a different vibe. I’ll look at all aspects of each team to analyze the best beer possible and preferably getting drunk off of the thirty beers I’m going to have to sample. Wish me luck sports fans.
30. Houston Astros: Bud Ice
I thought it might be fun to order these rankings based off of the power rankings for each team, ending with the top team. Let’s face it Houston, you are a mess. Last year you traded away your one bright star in Hunter Pence to a team that gave you NOTHING. You were last in the N.L. in home runs and near last in SLUG%. You sported the league’s worst ERA at 4.51 and holy hell people were hitting against you. Just to add a little salt to the wound you had ownership talking about going back to a god awful team logo that should probably be outlawed. So what beer might be well served as a side to your humiliation?
Bud Ice. What a horrible blend of American hops. Horrible taste added with a completely minuscule alcohol content make it a completely useless beer. It’s light so you might not get fat, but you might not also EVER get a buzz. It’s a useless beer. As I think the Astros should move to the A.L., this beer should move to purgatory. ‘Nough said Houston.
29. Baltimore Orioles: Old English 800
As a Red Sox fan i take some comfort in knowing that the second worst team in the MLB belongs to our division. But to be this bad is almost an embarrassment. A few of the same arguments could be made towards them as the Astros had. But let’s focus on why this team isn’t number thirty. Was it pitching? No. Not a single starter had an ERA under 4.00 and the relief wasn’t any better. So it must be the bats. Mark Reynolds provided a spark with 37 homers, but also only had a .221 BA. If the numbers don’t speak for themselves, consider that the O’s continue to trade prospect players and sign players on the verge of retirement (Vladamir Guerrero anyone?).
This combination of age with the lack of skill just shouts Old English 800. Used mostly for a gimmick, google Edward 40-hands, the O’s match suit with the signings meant to generate jersey sales. It’s good for brushing your teeth after St. Patrick’s Day. It’s good for that cup in beer pong to wash the balls. It’s good to kill the weeds in you’re driveway. But this beer is about as fit to drink as the Orioles are to play baseball.
28. Seattle Mariners: Sapporo
The Mariners were on the verge of becoming much more interesting with a possible Prince sighting. And then they just didn’t. Seattle finished last season with the worst batting average in the league and a none-too impressive ERA. Even the japanese phenom that is Ichiro only batted a .272, finishing with his worst average in his tenured career. So what is the upside here? Seattle can at least say that they sport some young little fun prospects in Jesus Montero and a slew of pitching. Montero makes the mariners better for years to come, adding a bat and what is said to be one hell of a defensive factor. But how good can they be?
Sapporo, the japanese beer in a fun american can. Taste-wise its actually pretty plain, it’s the import Bud Light. The real upsell in this beer is the can, preventing the beer from skunking in the import process. It’s a pretty awesome looking can if I can say so myself, but that’s not what makes a good beer by far. The Mariners are a really fun LOOKING team, but it will take some time to see if they become the beer… er team they have the potential to be.
27. San Diego Padres: Grolsch
I like the Padres because it’s always so damn nice in San Diego. They are also the only California team i can stand. NOT TO MENTION they gave the Red Sox Adrian Gonzalez, which let’s face it, worked out brilliantly. This being said, I kinda feel bad for Padres fans. The continue to ship off their best players, and if they don’t ship them off they lose them to free agency, a la Heath Bell. Now here in the lower levels of this ranking it’s tough to place one team over the other by skill alone, so the factors become little things. Tiny differences between one team being 25th or 30th. San Diego’s tiny thing, guys stop giggling, might actually be cosmetic. As they don’t really have any more or less prospects as some other teams on the list, their jerseys are really cool. Those camp patterns are a good aesthetic choice, and if you tell me you don’t want to live in San Diego you might be mentally incapable.
As far as beers go, mentality might be the same. Some beers can’t keep up with taste so they up the looks of the bottle. A really fun beer that you might not know is Grolsch, whose taste is not the selling point even on its best days. But the bottle is a lot of fun! It’s got a nice rubber stopper on the top that you need to pop. It’s makes a nice sound, you giggle a little, and then you drink. After you have a few sips you dump it out and save the bottle. The green bottle allows the beer to skunk quickly and the light lager style beer doesn’t cope well with skunking. San Diego is a circus to the MLB and this beer is just a really bad punch line.
26. Oakland Athletics: PBR
The A’s had a lot of upside on the pitching side last year. They looked like they might have the MLB’s most exciting pitching rotation, and then the offseason happened. Gio Gonzalez was traded to the Nationals in only his first year of arbitration and Andrew Bailey was lost to the Red Sox. Without the arms on the mound the A’s become a very poor team, being the 20th ranked team in runs scored and 24th in both batting average and home runs. The only upside to this team is that they aren’t as bad as the Mariners, but besides beating one horrible team in the standings, there’s not much to look forward to. A’s fans are in for a disappointing decade.
If there was one beer that was only good enough to not be garbage, one beer in the world that you would drink only if there was nothing else, wouldn’t that beer be PBR? I mean if you go to a party and the only thing they have is beer in a can, you might take a few cans and head for the beer pong table. Yeah you’ll wake up with an incredible headache the next day, but shotgunning a beer late at night wouldn’t be the worst thing you ever did. So pop a hole in the side of your MLB season, Oakland, pull the tab and chug away this season while you wait for somebody to bring a better year.